• A reflection on adult regulation, parenting, and small daily practices that support children’s nervous systems — especially during busy, overwhelming times. 

 

Why Adult Regulation Matters More Than We Realise 

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve found myself having many conversations with a close friend. He has two young children — three and six — and, like me, he is very much in the thick of daily parenting life. Between the two of us, with my three children and his two, there are plenty of challenging moments. We both know what it feels like to try to stay regulated, consistent, patient, and kind — and what it feels like to miss the mark. 

I began writing this piece before Christmas but didn’t get it online in time. In hindsight, I’m glad. Christmas amplified everything I was already thinking about. Busy schedules, heightened expectations, disrupted routines, and emotional load all increase the likelihood of overwhelm — for adults and children alike. During these times, regulation becomes even more important. 

There were several moments over the festive period where I didn’t respond as I would have liked. I reacted too quickly or used language that wasn’t as supportive as I know it could be. Afterwards came the reflection: Why did I react that way? What was happening in me at the time? And how can I come back to the kind of parent — and person — I want to be? 

 

 

Often, the difference between a difficult moment and a manageable one is surprisingly small: 

 

Taking a breath, stepping back for a few seconds, and giving my nervous system a chance to settle before responding. 

 

This settling doesn’t require calm perfection or a serene state. It simply means creating enough space to notice how your body and mind are reacting — and recognising that continuing in that state may not lead to the outcome you want. 

Before going further, it’s important to say this clearly: I don’t get this right all the time, and neither will you. This piece is not about doing things perfectly. It’s about widening our understanding of regulation — particularly adult regulation — and how deeply it influences children. 

As a therapist, I frequently see referrals for children with regulation difficulties. While child regulation has many contributing factors, the state of regulation of the supporting adult has a profound impact on a child’s ability to stay regulated. 

 

Adult Regulation: The Foundation of Child Regulation 

For any adult working with children — professionally or personally — your own regulation matters. 

Children’s nervous systems develop within relationships, routines, tone of voice, predictability, emotional repair, and the overall emotional climate around them. Therapists can support this process, but it is the small, repeated, regulated moments at home that shape the nervous system most powerfully.

This is deeply empowering for parents. The work that makes the biggest difference happens with you, every day — and it starts with your own nervous system.

Reading this, you may feel a sudden tightening or a sharp thought of “Oh my God — it’s all on me… oh no.” If that reaction shows up, it’s completely understandable. Please keep reading. This is not about blame or pressure, but about understanding where the greatest influence lies — and how to support yourself within that reality.

 

 

Being a parent for 11 years and a paediatric physiotherapist for over 8, one thing I know for certain is that my own capacity to regulate has developed slowly and gradually over time — and continues to do so.  

To support a child effectively — whether in therapy or at home — calm, alert awareness is fundamental. This state allows us to understand the child in front of us rather than reacting from our own stress. Achieving this is often harder with our own children, where attachment, emotional history, responsibility, and fatigue add layers of complexity. For most of us, this state requires practice. 

Over the years, I’ve found a small number of simple tools that support my own regulation. They are not new or unique. They are widely used, accessible practices — and they have significantly shaped the therapist and parent I am today. Seeing their impact has encouraged me to share them with other parents. 

 

 

Finding Regulation Strategies That Actually Work for Parents 

Over recent months, I’ve been working with parents of children with additional needs in a parent exercise and relaxation class. We explored a variety of regulation strategies together, paying close attention to which ones felt achievable and genuinely supportive. 

The feedback was consistent. Four practices stood out as the most helpful. These are outlined below. 

 

 Acknowledging That Starting Is Hard 

Before describing these practices, something needs to be named honestly: starting anything new can feel hard. Even taking 30 seconds to breathe can feel like too much on an already full plate. And habit can prevent us from taking a different path in a given situation. This isn’t laziness or failure — it’s a normal nervous system response. 

For some parents, this difficulty is magnified by life stress, parenting a child with additional needs, or having additional needs of their own — whether related to mental health, neurodivergence, learning differences, chronic stress, or other challenges. Planning, sequencing, remembering, transitioning between tasks, or starting something new can all be genuine barriers. And when strategies are suggested by others, they can sometimes feel like pressure rather than support. 

 If you’re reading this and feeling that familiar tightening — I know this might help, but I don’t have the energy to take on anything else — please know this is normal. 

You’re not behind.
You’re not failing.
You don’t need to force these practices into your life. 

 

Start gently. Let these tools support you rather than burden you. Change often requires a small push, but only you can know what balance feels right for your nervous system. I remind myself of this constantly. Some days I catch myself in real time; other days I don’t. The cumulative effect of small moments is what creates real change. 

 

Simple Regulation Practices Parents Can Use Anytime

 – You do not need to do all of these. One practise, done occasionally and imperfectly, is enough to begin. 

 

1. Square Breathing (Box Breathing)

A quick, structured breathing exercise that can be done anywhere: 

• Inhale for 4 seconds 

• Hold for 4 seconds 

• Exhale for 4 seconds 

• Hold for 4 seconds 

Repeat four times. Its simplicity and speed made it particularly appealing to parents.

 

 

2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This was the most popular practice in the group. Working through the body, you gently tense a muscle group for a few seconds and then release it. This highlights hidden tension and creates a clear contrast between stress and ease.

 

 

3. Body Scan for Nervous System Awareness

A slow sweep of attention from head to toe, noticing sensations without trying to change them. This practice builds awareness, interrupts reactive patterns, and helps shift attention away from triggers.

 

 

4. Movement and Breath (Simple Yoga Sequence)

 – Movement paired with breath is a powerful regulator. 

Arm-raising sequence (4 repetitions): 

• Seated or standing comfortably 

• Inhale and raise arms overhead, ending the movement before the inhale finishes 

• Pause briefly 

• Exhale and lower the arms, letting the movement finish before the exhale ends 

 

 

 

How Regulation Practices Create Change Over Time 

These strategies don’t work through dramatic moments. They work through repetition. Neuroplasticity — the brain’s ability to change — depends on consistent practice over days, weeks, and months. Even 20-second practices can make a meaningful difference when repeated regularly. 

A close friend described noticing himself slipping into unhelpful thought patterns 30, 40, even 50 times a day. It’s tiring, but it’s also the work. Regulation isn’t about never slipping — it’s about noticing, pausing, and returning, again and again. 

 

 

A Closing Thought for Parents 

Small, consistent, compassionate pauses shape both our nervous systems and our children’s — one moment at a time. There is no perfect practice and no flawless day. What matters is gentle, repeated attention to ourselves and our children. 

The calm, alert awareness needed to support your child is already within you. Taking a step back, a slow breath, or a gentle movement is often enough to reconnect with it. 

Even when life feels messy and hard, each small pause matters. Your nervous system — and your children’s — will thank you. 

You don’t need to practise all four exercises, and you don’t need to start today if that feels like too much. Choose just one practice that feels manageable or kind to your system and let that be enough for now. Over time, you may find curiosity or capacity to explore another — but there is no rush.  

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this,

 

Miley.